Officially unauthorized. Completely unstoppable.

“Yub, Yub, Commander” ~ LT. Ketch

Hey there, space jockeys and intergalactic weirdos! Wes Jansen here, reporting live from the only place in the galaxy where the drinks are strong, the credits are weak, and nobody knows what the bathroom situation is—Mos Eisley’s third-worst cantina.

Let’s talk about space travel. You ever notice how every single ship in the galaxy is “the fastest hunk of junk” ever built? Yeah, sure, pal. Your hyperdrive is held together with duct tape and the Force. But hey, as long as you can do the Kessel Run in fewer parsecs than your buddy, who cares if your ship smells like a womp rat nest?

Speaking of parsecs—can we finally admit nobody knows what a parsec is? Every time someone says it, half the room nods like they understand, while the other half is just waiting for an astromech to Google it.

And let’s talk about droids. Why do we even pretend to be in charge of them anymore? They do the math, they fly the ships, and they understand more languages than I have functioning brain cells. R2 units have saved the galaxy more times than Jedi, and C-3PO has given out more unsolicited advice than my mother-in-law.

Meanwhile, bounty hunters—these guys get way too much credit. Everyone thinks they’re all tough, brooding, and mysterious. But you ever see a bounty hunter order food? They spend ten minutes pointing at the menu like they’ve never seen words before. “Uh… I’ll have the, uh… nerf steak… extra, uh… yeah.” They sound like they’re trying to negotiate with their helmet’s voice modulator.

And don’t get me started on the Jedi. Oh sure, they’ve got the lightsabers, the wisdom, the mysterious pasts—but you ever see a Jedi try to park a speeder? The Force does NOT work on parallel parking, folks. You’ve got a guy who can lift an X-wing with his mind but still manages to take up two spots in the docking bay.

Anyway, that’s my time! May your blasters stay charged, your credits not be Imperial-issued, and may the Force be conveniently on your side whenever you need to dodge taxes. Wes Jansen out!