Wes Jansen: “Galactic Guide to Chaos”

Hey there, fellow space drifters! It’s Wes Jansen, your favorite wisecracking pilot, back with more completely unnecessary observations about life in this crazy galaxy. Let’s get right into it.

Cantina Chronicles

You ever walk into a cantina and immediately regret it? Yeah, me too. I was on some backwater rock the other day, and the bartender was a Gamorrean with a cough. Nothing screams “drink somewhere else” like a Gamorrean snorting into your ale. And then there’s always that one guy who takes staring way too seriously. Like, buddy, I don’t need the Force to know you’ve got unresolved issues.

And can we talk about space drinks? You ever try ordering something simple, like a beer, and they hit you with, “Do you want it with or without bantha froth?” I—I don’t even know what that is, but I feel like it’s a health hazard.

The Smuggler’s Guide to Excuses

Smugglers have the absolute best excuses when they get caught. “Oh, this illegal cargo? I had no idea it was in my ship, officer. I thought I was just transporting a very heavy, very locked, very suspiciously labeled crate of not spice.”

Or the classic: “I swear, I was just holding it for a friend.” Yeah, sure. And I’m a Sith Lord in disguise.

Honestly, though, the best excuse? Just speak Wookiee. Nobody questions a Wookiee. Just growl and wave your hands dramatically. Works every time.

Galactic Customer Service Nightmares

If you think customer service is bad in your sector, try dealing with a Trade Federation call center. You’ll be on hold for three rotations just to get a replacement hyperdrive coil. And the worst part? Half the time you get transferred to a droid, and suddenly you’re arguing with something programmed not to care.

“Press 1 for service. Press 2 to scream into the void.”

I tried getting a refund once. You ever hear a battle droid say, “Sir, that is not in my programming”? Yeah, they’re real sorry about my malfunctioning repulsorlift. Probably as sorry as they were when they lost the Clone Wars.

Droid or Annoyed?

All right, time for my official ranking of droids:

• Useful Droids: Astromechs. Saved the galaxy, fixed ships, great at keeping secrets. 10/10. Would trust with my life.
• Annoying Droids: Protocol droids. You ever try arguing with C-3PO? I’d rather debate philosophy with a Sith Lord.
• Shady Droids: Those black market assassin droids. You ever meet one at a cantina? Yeah, neither have their past three drinking buddies.
• Definitely Stealing Your Wallet: Mouse droids. Fast, shifty, too many wheels. No way those little guys aren’t up to something.

HoloNet Dating Fails

Listen, dating in the galaxy is rough. You think swiping left on a HoloNet profile is bad? Try going on a date and finding out your match is actually wanted in three systems.

And the pickup lines—oh, they’re bad. I heard one guy try:
“Hey baby, are you a Sith? ‘Cause I’m feeling a disturbance… in my heart.”

Or this one:
“You must be a bounty hunter, ‘cause you just captured my attention.”

If you use these lines, please know you deserve to be single.